Carrie always felt responsible for her mother's health, not because she caused her pain, but just that she felt if she wasn't there, maybe her mother would die. Her older sister left for college and never turned back. Sure Laura comes home for a week here and there, but even when she returns, she's meeting up with friends or shadowing doctors and planning her future. Carrie looks up to her sister, always proud of her accomplishments and yet feels she and her mother have been abandoned by her too.
"Carrie, where's my pill," she hears pain in her mother's voice and runs to get the nitroglycerine tablets. Her mother must be having chest pains again. As she watches her mother put the tiny pill under her tongue, she too relaxes when she sees the creases lining her mother's forehead and framing her eyes begin to relax.
"Oh thank you Carrie, that wasn't too bad. I'm much better now."
" Mom, I'm setting you up with another doctor's appointment," Carrie told her mother.
"No, her mother replied "he's just going to say the same thing. Diet and exercise, diet and exercise for you, but you know Carrie, we all die. I'm not afraid of that."
" Yea, but you can try to live a healthier life, couldn't you? You have to eat what I cook for you."
Carrie pleaded.
"Hey Carrie," her mother's voice had already changed the subject, "did you call Aunt Doris? She's a college advisor you know. You're a junior now, you have to start thinking about where you want to go and she might be able to help you get a scholarship. You're such a good student," Mother beamed.
"I was thinking I could just go to junior college first, I really don't know what I want to do," Carrie said.
"Ok, but you think about it," mother said as she rested her head back, feeling tired again.
Carrie felt tired too. She went into her room and stared at the ceiling. She then noticed something swinging on the fan above her bed. First she thought they were spiders, but when she stood on her bed, she noticed they were little beans. When they started to talk she felt dizzy and sat back down. They jumped on her shoulder and Hope-BeaN whispered, "Calm down, we're here for you. We're BioBeaNs and we're looking for compassionate smart kids to not lose hope or direction. The world needs you."
"I haven't lost hope. I'm hoping everyday that my mom won't have a heart attack. I buy healthy foods for her to eat and try to get her to walk, but it's so hard. I never lose hope though," she countered.
"I'm not talking about the hope you have for your mom, I'm talking about you," Hope BeaN said smiling.
"But don't you think she needs me," Carrie whispered.
"She's told you to go away to college, she wants you to follow your dreams," Hope BeaN reminded her.
"But what if she dies when I'm away," Carrie said, her own heart aching.
"Carrie, if you trust me, I can show you what's inside your mom. This can help you to see, she won't die of her disease yet. But I can't guarantee she won't get in an accident or die in some other way. But this is true for everyone. You can't live your life wondering 'what if' Carrie. This is your time, right now is your time and your mom knows this too. Don't give up your dreams," Hope BeaN insisted.
"Well I'm very curious, how do I see she's OK," Carrie asked.
A wind whipped up through Carries room as the BeaNs jumped in her ears and took her into the fray where she began to shrink to the size of a blood platelet and in a weird out of body transcendent moment, she was in her mom's superior vena cava. She moved down into the right atrium of her heart and looked down, seeing the inferior vena cava. Everything looked pretty clear with just a little plaque build up. She glided down to the right ventricle and into the pulmonary artery to the lungs. Here she felt energized as oxygen filled her heart. From there she went to the left atrium then through the mitral valve into the left ventricle. Her ride speeded up with a large push as she sped through the aortic valve then spinning through the aorta and traveling at breakneck speeds throughout her moms body. Carrie kept her eyes open and observed that there were no large clots anywhere in her mother's circulatory system.
When they returned back to the fray, Hope BeaN indicated her mother's angina (heart pain) was mild and could be controlled with medication. It's just that her sedentary lifestyle causes stress in her body and this stress is causing her not to want to move then her pain begins. It's not a good cycle but it is one she can get out of if she chooses to.
Carrie began to cry and asked, "Am I the reason she's in this cycle? Am I enabling her?"
"No Carrie! Your mom is an adult and makes her own choices. Please don't take on so much responsibility for her yet. Someday you may need to come back and help her, but not today. Today you need to listen to your heart for direction," Hope Bean said.
They all returned to Carrie's bedroom and the BeaNs smiled at Carrie. "You will always be a wonderful daughter. Just because you're going forward with your dreams doesn't mean you can't call your mom and share your journey with her. It might just inspire her to follow her dreams too," Hope BeaN encouraged.
Carrie felt free for the first time in a long time, a little afraid, but hopeful!
BeaNspiration: Don't be a worrywart!
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